I've been a terrible blogger this past month and for that I'm very sorry. I've had every intention of sitting down and writing exactly what I'm thinking but it hasn't been that easy. I had surgery November 19th and I was completely out of it until I had to go back to school on November 25th. That next week was what we call "Hell Week" as the last week of classes and the week measured up to its name for sure. I was so busy doing all my school work that blogging didn't really cross my mind, I was lucky enough to get some sleep! Also during that week was ADPi's Initiation so we had lots of fun activities that kept me busy and served as a great distraction from my school work! I never finished my November challenge of thankfulness that I started. I had planned to blog every day about what I was thankful for and I did alright for the first half of the month. I was still finding things in my daily life that I am very thankful for but life got a little difficult to keep up with a blog!
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During my last week of school work came November 29th. November 29th is a day that I will always remember. You see, on November 29, 2003, my best friend, Erin Barber, became my guardian angel. It still shocks me that its been 9 whole years since I've seen her precious face, heard her sweet sweet laugh, or gotten one of her great big hugs! Erin was a remarkable individual and I'm beyond thankful to have had the opportunity to even know her, much less be her best friend.
Erin and I just happened to be in Mrs. Davis' 1st grade class together at Nursery Road Elementary School. Our paths before that point were very different though. I had had an normal childhood, was in my 3rd year of dance at Dance World, and had just gotten rezoned from Irmo Elementary to Nursery Road for 1st grade. Erin, on the other hand, had already conquered much more than I could have imagined at that point. Erin had leukemia as a child and was technically a year older than us, but had gotten a little behind in school. As soon as Erin and I became friends, we were immediately best friends! We just clicked. We used to have so so so much fun together. Our typical weekend routine would consist of me spending the night with Erin on Friday, waking up Saturday and going shopping and spending the day together, then begging my mom to let me stay for another night! I don't even know how many weekends we had like that, but I cherish those special memories so much! Erin's family is the absolute sweetest and there was never a dull moment in the Barber house between their pets, games, and huge sense of humor that all of the family has! Erin stayed at Nursery Road through 3rd grade until she moved to another school for 4th-7th grades, but we remained close.
It was the summer before 6th grade and I called Erin after vacation to see when I could bring the present I got her over. She told me that she had had a seizure while I was gone. At that point, I had no idea what a seizure was but the look on my mom's face when I spoke the word showed me that it was serious. It turned out that Erin had a brain tumor and she ended up beating it!
Erin was the most thoughtful person you'd ever meet. She would be at the hospital just hours after a surgery or treatment and she'd call me just to talk! We were best friends and you can't go too long without catching up with your best friend. We'd always talk about our annoying siblings, boys (of course), and what our next adventure would be together when Erin was out of the hospital. Erin never let cancer define her life! Erin really fought cancer the rest of her life at that point. She was diagnosed with her final brain tumor in the fall of 2003. But this tumor was different, it was inoperable. Even though Erin was fighting for her life, she fought with such a love for life. She wasn't giving up or giving in and that was obvious to anyone who knew Erin. By that point, Erin had been through so much chemo, radiation, and steroids trying to fight off the tumor that she didn't look like most 7th graders are just dying to look. Instead, Erin was losing her hair and gaining weight, but you better believe she was even more beautiful than before! Erin still lit up the room with all that she was. When it came down to it, I stuck by her side and remained her best friend until her dying day. At the end, the days were very hard for her. She didn't even get to celebrate her last Thanksgiving due to the pain she was in. Erin died the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I'll never forget that day.
Erin was the most thoughtful person you'd ever meet. She would be at the hospital just hours after a surgery or treatment and she'd call me just to talk! We were best friends and you can't go too long without catching up with your best friend. We'd always talk about our annoying siblings, boys (of course), and what our next adventure would be together when Erin was out of the hospital. Erin never let cancer define her life! Erin really fought cancer the rest of her life at that point. She was diagnosed with her final brain tumor in the fall of 2003. But this tumor was different, it was inoperable. Even though Erin was fighting for her life, she fought with such a love for life. She wasn't giving up or giving in and that was obvious to anyone who knew Erin. By that point, Erin had been through so much chemo, radiation, and steroids trying to fight off the tumor that she didn't look like most 7th graders are just dying to look. Instead, Erin was losing her hair and gaining weight, but you better believe she was even more beautiful than before! Erin still lit up the room with all that she was. When it came down to it, I stuck by her side and remained her best friend until her dying day. At the end, the days were very hard for her. She didn't even get to celebrate her last Thanksgiving due to the pain she was in. Erin died the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I'll never forget that day.
I was sitting at my dining room table taking my practice SAT because the next weekend I'd be taking the SAT as part of the Duke TIP Program. My neighbor, Mrs. Kim, came to the door and I could tell something was wrong. I heard my mom and Mrs. Kim whispering in the den but tried to focus on what I was doing instead. I got such a terrible feeling that I can't even put into words. The feeling took over my whole body and I couldn't sit still any longer, I had to figure out what was going on. I walked to the den only to see my mom and Mrs. Kim in tears. My mom sat me down before telling me that Erin had died that morning at home in her mom's arms. I remember her grandma, Yia Yia, telling me that Erin was just in so much pain and she said, "Yia Yia, I don't think I can do this much longer." Yia Yia reassured her that she wouldn't have to. That's when Erin became my guardian angel.
Erin died on Saturday morning and her funeral was the following Monday. One cool connection that we had with Erin outside of school was that my Nana and Mrs. Susan (Erin's mom) used to judge art together at the fair. That's how Nana fell in love with Erin too. Nana couldn't come to Erin's funeral but she came to the burial to be with my mom and I. I remember it was starting to rain and Nana was there to hold me while I cried watching my best friend really leave. Nana wiped my tears away along with hers. It was so special to me that Nana could be there with me. She knew just how amazing Erin was as well and wouldn't have missed it.
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On Friday night after Initiation, I was at dinner with P3 (the best Diamond Family ever and a couple other girls who decided to come to dinner with us). We were at House of Pizza when my mom called me. We had just talked about 30 minutes beforehand so I wasn't really sure why she'd be calling me again so soon. My mom told me that Nana had died. That day was November 30th. November 30th is another day that I will always remember. You see, on November 30, 2012, one of my best friends became my guardian angel. The cry I let out to this news was the same as when my mom told me Erin died 9 years ago.
I also remember the first time I cried about losing my Nana. In March of 2008, this whole crazy adventure called Alzheimer's began. I remember I was watching "8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter" while my parents were with Nana and Laura and I don't remember where Sarah was. The episode that was on was the episode that the father's character dies. I cried knowing that I wasn't getting my old Nana back just like the family on the show wouldn't be getting their dad back. That was the first time I realized Alzheimer's would change all of our lives.
Growing up, we were always at Nana and Laura's house. Once my mom went back to work after her maternity leave, I stayed with Nana during the day until I was old enough for daycare. I would watch soap operas with her during the day, we'd have homemade spaghetti on Thursday nights, Nana would pick Sarah and I up from daycare when our parents couldn't get there in time, and Nana and Laura became our favorite babysitters when our parents would have a date night. I took many naps in her loving arms and I absolutely adored my grandma! Nana and I shared a special bond right from the beginning. I could listen to her sing or tell stories all day long. I could sit next to her on the organ bench and watch her play for hours and hours. Nana even taught me how to play the organ and I would get lazy and not want to play the chords. As soon as Nana would leave the room, I'd stop playing chords and then start back up as soon as she could see me...even though she could obviously tell the difference! She would get so mad at me for not playing them because she knew that I could, I was just being lazy! Every time I was sick or even had a headache, I'd call Nana and she'd say a prayer for me over the phone reassuring me that I'd be feeling better much sooner. Nana was also into helping me interpret my crazy dreams. She had many dream books and would help me figure it out the best she could. Some of my favorite memories with Nana come from the summers Sarah and I stayed with her during the day. Between 3rd grade and 7th (I think), we stayed with Nana during the days while our parents were at work. We'd head over and Nana would make us breakfast. Around 9:00, Laura would be picked up to go to her adult daycare. Then we'd have our first snow cones at 10:00. Yes, I said our first snow cones because our second snow cones came at 3:00 around the time Laura came back home. Nana would always make us lunch, too! Another perk about Nana and Laura's house was that there were sooooooo many Little Debbie cakes. You couldn't walk into that house without eating something, and it would probably be a Little Debbie. I'm pretty sure one of my first words was "Debbie" thanks to my early love for these sweet treats. (Debbie came after Nana of course!) During the summers, we'd get to go grocery shopping at Walmart and Nana would buy us the randomest stuff we'd find because we just couldn't live without it, duh! Nana has always been such a giver. She couldn't really afford to buy us that random stuff but because she loved us and loved to make us happy, she would do what she could to put a smile on our face. We went on lots of lunch dates to Ryan's and Cici's Pizza during those summers as well. There are so many wonderful memories I have of those fun days that I'll cherish forever.
The past 5 years of memories that I have of Nana aren't quite the same as the 16 years before that. I have always hated cancer (mainly because it took my best friend from me). I watched Erin, along with other family members, suffer from cancer and I hate that terrible disease. But after watching Nana suffer from Alzheimer's, I think I found something to hate more than cancer. I never really knew anything about Alzheimer's except that old people got it and they would just forget people, things, and memories from their life. However, watching Nana forget her loved ones, favorite things, and precious memories put a whole new light on the real side of Alzheimer's. The thing most people don't realize about Alzheimer's is that its like your brain is calling the shots on what happens. I realize our brains already do that, but this is a whole new level. In March of 2011, Nana forgot how to walk. It was just one day, she didn't know how to walk. She didn't remember how to move her legs so she became wheelchair bound. Imagine the frustration that you can't remember how to do something you've been doing for the past 80+ years. I think at that point, I realized this disease was taking over more than her memories. It was around then when I asked my mom how Nana would die. She explained to me that usually Alzheimer's patients forget how to swallow and can't eat or drink so they can't live any longer. Again, it really hit me that this was a disease that was taking over Nana's entire life, not just her brain. We knew the whole time that it was just a matter of time. It was hard watching someone decline in every way possible and not knowing exactly how much time you have left. I believe it was that spring of 2011 that Nana was put on hospice for the first time. I immediately thought that the end was near, we all did. However, Nana outlived hospice just like she did for the next year and a half. I told people Nana was secretly going for the award to outlive hospice the most! We learned early you have to make light of some of the situations to keep your head up. Nana was a classic case of Alzheimer's and 3 days before she died she forgot how to swallow. She had been losing weight all along and while normally she would have been about 170 pounds, size 16 woman, when she died my mom didn't even expect that she weighed 80 pounds. There were a couple times that Nana didn't remember me over my visits in the past 5 years. Some visits I would walk in as Rachel and be her sister, Katie; her daughter, Debbie; and an old high school friend all in the same visit. Those visits were my least favorite. I would always leave in tears those days knowing that Alzheimer's took over a little bit more of her brain. All I could hope for was that she'd know who I am before I left so I could hear one more "I love you Rachel." Watching my strong-willed matriarch Nana slowly become weaker and weaker was heartbreaking. I still hate Alzheimer's but I can bet you my family is going to fight this disease with the hope and prayer that we don't have to watch anyone else we love suffer like Nana did. We're praying and fighting for a cure!
It gets complicated because I'm learning so much about death from the person who taught me so much about life. She was there for my first steps, my first words, my first days of school, and first holidays. She heard about my first crush, first boyfriend, and first heartbreak. She got to be one of the first people to ride in the car with me when I got my driver's license and she's always been one of my favorite "I love you's". She even helped me decide where to go for college. I'm so sad she doesn't get to cheer me on as I walk across the stage in May, she doesn't get to meet my future husband, or be at my wedding. She won't get to hold any of her great-grandchildren and she won't get to see just how big of a legacy she left behind. She will get to do all of those things from heaven now, but the selfish human being I am still wants her with me on Earth.
I lost a best friend a month ago. While most of her has been gone for 5 years, the final goodbye hurt the most. All I could do was cry and then I could hear Nana in my head saying, "Come on, Rachel, dry up those tears!" I know that Nana isn't suffering anymore and she's happy and pain free! She doesn't need a wheelchair up in heaven and Alzheimer's no longer can define her life. Nana is up in heaven playing some of her favorite hymns on the organ and most importantly, my Nana got to meet Jesus, a day she's been waiting for for so long! Since this was the first death that's really hit me since Erin died in 2003, I started to see and understand things so much better. My faith has come so far since Erin's death. When Erin died, that's when I really gave my life over to Christ and could call myself a Christian. Now I can look back and see just how much I've grown. Everything Reverend Nates was saying at the funeral, they were all the things I rejoice about as a Christian in my daily walk.
Growing up Nana would always say she was going to live to be 105, so I started saying I was going to live to be 105, just like my Nana! I guess she was in her 70's when she started saying she didn't want to live to be 105 anymore. She didn't think she could handle all the terrible things in the world that long and who could blame her?! Another thing about my Nana that I'm finding comfort in is that Nana believed before we're born, we know/agree to the life we're going to live and how we would die one day. When she would talk about this I would always picture the baby me signing a contract with God but that's just the picture I'd get in my mind. I'm not saying you have to believe this, but its helping me to remember this is what Nana believed in wholeheartedly. Its not like we went through life knowing what would happen, but we made this agreement with God before ever arriving on Earth. I find comfort in this because as hard as it was to watch Nana suffer from Alzheimer's, this had to be how she died. This was the only way things could have worked out. Nana and Laura had never spent a night apart until Laura was 45, the same night I cried for the first time about losing Nana back in 2008. Laura was heartbroken at first without Nana because they weren't just mother and daughter, they were best friends! Had Nana died suddenly from something, Laura wouldn't have been able to handle it. Nana had to have the long battle with Alzheimer's to make sure that Laura could handle life without Nana, her very best friend, mother, and caretaker. Even when Nana was having her worst days with Alzheimer's, she was always looking for Laura, asking if Laura was okay, and knowing that Laura was her number one priority. No matter who she could or couldn't remember, Nana never forgot who Laura was (which was always one of my biggest fears). Nana wasn't going to agree to leaving this earth until she knew Laura was okay. This clicked in my mind the week after Nana died. I was trying so hard to make sense of why Nana suffered from this terrible disease, just like I have the past 5 years. I couldn't understand how it was fair for such a strong woman to become so weak in the end, but it makes sense and brings me comfort.
Another image I hold on to (I'm a very visual person in case you didn't know) is an image of Jesus reaching His arms out to His child (me). This is an image I always go back to when I sing Hillsong's Forever Reign. There's a line that says,
"I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the world forever reign."
This is just one of those songs that always gets me. While I'm an almost 22-year-old woman, I am still God's child who can go running into His arms. Nothing in this world can compare to His embrace! This image in my mind is so precious to me and the week after Nana died, I heard this song. I thought, Nana got to do that for real! She got to run into Jesus' arms spread wide open. He got to welcome Nana with His arms open and ready for her to join Him in paradise! That image that I hold on to became even more special knowing that God does that when He calls His children home!!! That's what Jesus can do, He offers comfort to those of us who are left behind. I'm not saying death is easy, especially when you love someone so much, but knowing that Nana is in the place we all long to go to one day makes it a little easier!
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It gets complicated because I'm learning so much about death from the person who taught me so much about life. She was there for my first steps, my first words, my first days of school, and first holidays. She heard about my first crush, first boyfriend, and first heartbreak. She got to be one of the first people to ride in the car with me when I got my driver's license and she's always been one of my favorite "I love you's". She even helped me decide where to go for college. I'm so sad she doesn't get to cheer me on as I walk across the stage in May, she doesn't get to meet my future husband, or be at my wedding. She won't get to hold any of her great-grandchildren and she won't get to see just how big of a legacy she left behind. She will get to do all of those things from heaven now, but the selfish human being I am still wants her with me on Earth.
I lost a best friend a month ago. While most of her has been gone for 5 years, the final goodbye hurt the most. All I could do was cry and then I could hear Nana in my head saying, "Come on, Rachel, dry up those tears!" I know that Nana isn't suffering anymore and she's happy and pain free! She doesn't need a wheelchair up in heaven and Alzheimer's no longer can define her life. Nana is up in heaven playing some of her favorite hymns on the organ and most importantly, my Nana got to meet Jesus, a day she's been waiting for for so long! Since this was the first death that's really hit me since Erin died in 2003, I started to see and understand things so much better. My faith has come so far since Erin's death. When Erin died, that's when I really gave my life over to Christ and could call myself a Christian. Now I can look back and see just how much I've grown. Everything Reverend Nates was saying at the funeral, they were all the things I rejoice about as a Christian in my daily walk.
Growing up Nana would always say she was going to live to be 105, so I started saying I was going to live to be 105, just like my Nana! I guess she was in her 70's when she started saying she didn't want to live to be 105 anymore. She didn't think she could handle all the terrible things in the world that long and who could blame her?! Another thing about my Nana that I'm finding comfort in is that Nana believed before we're born, we know/agree to the life we're going to live and how we would die one day. When she would talk about this I would always picture the baby me signing a contract with God but that's just the picture I'd get in my mind. I'm not saying you have to believe this, but its helping me to remember this is what Nana believed in wholeheartedly. Its not like we went through life knowing what would happen, but we made this agreement with God before ever arriving on Earth. I find comfort in this because as hard as it was to watch Nana suffer from Alzheimer's, this had to be how she died. This was the only way things could have worked out. Nana and Laura had never spent a night apart until Laura was 45, the same night I cried for the first time about losing Nana back in 2008. Laura was heartbroken at first without Nana because they weren't just mother and daughter, they were best friends! Had Nana died suddenly from something, Laura wouldn't have been able to handle it. Nana had to have the long battle with Alzheimer's to make sure that Laura could handle life without Nana, her very best friend, mother, and caretaker. Even when Nana was having her worst days with Alzheimer's, she was always looking for Laura, asking if Laura was okay, and knowing that Laura was her number one priority. No matter who she could or couldn't remember, Nana never forgot who Laura was (which was always one of my biggest fears). Nana wasn't going to agree to leaving this earth until she knew Laura was okay. This clicked in my mind the week after Nana died. I was trying so hard to make sense of why Nana suffered from this terrible disease, just like I have the past 5 years. I couldn't understand how it was fair for such a strong woman to become so weak in the end, but it makes sense and brings me comfort.
Another image I hold on to (I'm a very visual person in case you didn't know) is an image of Jesus reaching His arms out to His child (me). This is an image I always go back to when I sing Hillsong's Forever Reign. There's a line that says,
"I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the world forever reign."
This is just one of those songs that always gets me. While I'm an almost 22-year-old woman, I am still God's child who can go running into His arms. Nothing in this world can compare to His embrace! This image in my mind is so precious to me and the week after Nana died, I heard this song. I thought, Nana got to do that for real! She got to run into Jesus' arms spread wide open. He got to welcome Nana with His arms open and ready for her to join Him in paradise! That image that I hold on to became even more special knowing that God does that when He calls His children home!!! That's what Jesus can do, He offers comfort to those of us who are left behind. I'm not saying death is easy, especially when you love someone so much, but knowing that Nana is in the place we all long to go to one day makes it a little easier!
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Having my 13-year-old best friend die just 2 weeks before her 14th birthday and one of her favorite times of the year made Christmas very difficult that year. Having my sweet Nana die less than a month before Christmas made the holiday difficult this year. Just as Erin and Nana would be telling me if they were still here, we have to keep moving with our own lives. It might be a little painful to remember the special memories and traditions we once shared, but now we have to continue Christmas, even without our loved ones by our side. It was pretty hard for me to get into the Christmas spirit this year, but we all have those years. I miss my sweet angels but I know they're always looking out for me! I don't think death will ever be easy to handle or understand, but we can learn so much about how to live life through death.
