Sunday, November 19, 2017

Confessons of an Army Wife

I've debated hitting the "Publish" button on this blog post for quite some time now.  Some people won't agree with what I'm saying, some people will be in full agreement with what I'm saying, and others will just wonder why I felt the need to post this at all.

Let me back up.  My husband and I got married July 9, 2016 after a two year long-distance relationship! He was serving in the Army Reserves at the time (and had been since 2010) and while I was technically the wife of an Army Reservist, I didn't flaunt the title of Army Wife because I knew the wives who were married to men serving Active Duty and the spouses of those deployed had things much more difficult than I did, along with the spouses of veterans.  They lived through experiences I couldn't imagine and honestly wasn't sure I'd ever have to.  During our relationship, Travis has never deployed or been gone longer than about 2 weeks for training.  I've always respected military spouses and families, especially the men and women in uniform.  My maternal grandfather retired from the US Navy and my paternal grandfather retired from the US Army.  I've always been so proud of my grandfathers and their stories, the time they served, and I also had a tremendous amount of respect for my grandmothers who lived the military spouse life for many years!  That respect has only grown since this summer when everything changed!

On July 12, I woke up nauseous and knew instantly I was pregnant (craziest feeling ever, I know!) I took a pregnancy test and within seconds my notion was confirmed (literally seconds).  My husband and I were ready to be parents but had no clue when we would be blessed with a positive pregnancy test.  Just hours later, the Army called my husband, Travis, and informed him that he was being given the opportunity to switch components from the Reserves to Active Duty!  This was an opportunity he has wanted for what seems like forever.  Again, we had no clue if/when this opportunity would ever present itself after his 7 years in the Reserves. We knew we were in for a wild ride but through it all, I've been thankful for God's timing.  Had we even found out we were pregnant a day later, things might have looked different.  The next day, we were given a couple options of where our duty station could be and we agreed upon Fort Stewart, Georgia.  It's about an hour or so from Savannah, Georgia which is one of our favorite destinations.  Savannah has always been on the list of "if we're given the opportunity, we'd move in a heartbeat!" Easier said that done but we went with it! The rest of July and August feel like a whirlwind of preparing to move, preparing to leave our civilian life behind, and preparing for the Army life!

Travis reported for in-processing September 5 and we spent most of the month apart while trying to find somewhere to live!  We officially moved in to our new home at the end of September.  Less than 10 days later, Travis was told he'd be going to Puerto Rico on a mission after Hurricane Maria.  We had about a week to prepare before he left, which was better than the original 72 hour window we were given!! We did all we could in that week to prepare.  Our house was still in boxes after spending 10 days without air conditioning...in Georgia...in September (where it isn't fall yet)...being a crazy pregnant lady...with a crazy dog!  However, our home was far from ready when Travis did have to leave.

Travis left October 9 and I felt like I jumped in head first to the life of an Army Wife.  The things that I've experienced in the past 6 weeks have put a whole new perspective on the Military vs. Civilian life.  I'll contribute part of it to being a crazy pregnant lady.  Emotions while pregnant are no joke and I'm already an emotional person! I'm sure my feelings have only been intensified due to having just uprooted my life again and having my husband away from such a precious time in life. 

While its only been 6 weeks with Travis gone, the things people have said and have found it okay to say to me have just left me speechless some days.  They repeat in my head when I'm having a tough day and they're the reason for writing this post.

"You signed up for this." This one's first on the list because it hurts the most.  But, you're right! I did "sign up" to love and support my husband throughout life.  I will continue to love and support him while he serves our country.  This is a job he chose and he's great at!  He has a heart to serve others and who would I be to not support that?  I am thankful for his heart and his service!  Just because I love and support him through that decision doesn't mean you're allowed to downplay my feelings because "we signed up for it!" I also agreed to love my husband through sickness and health.  Chances are if you took wedding vows you did the same! So if my husband were to be diagnosed with cancer, is it okay to say, "well, you signed up for this!"?  NO! No one in their right mind would think its okay to tell someone that! So why is it okay with the military?  Why is it okay to say about a job choice?  Its not! 

"Welcome to the military!"  Gee, thanks for the warm welcome.  I know to expect the unexpected.  I know its normal for flights home to change a million times.  I know this will not be our last time apart.  I know this will probably be our shortest mission.  I know Travis will miss important dates and holidays.  There's a good chance he could miss the birth of a child.  I know all of these things.  Again, just because I KNOW these things doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be sad when a flight is pushed later or when Travis has to miss a holiday or an ultrasound.  That's allowed and thanks again for that warm welcome!

"You should get used to this." Yes, I should.  I should get used to disappointment and delays.  I should get used to holidays without my husband.  I should get used to time apart and countdowns until homecomings.  Does that mean I don't get to have emotions along the way? No! Will I grow more accustomed to the military lifestyle the longer we're in it? Yes! Again, not a reason to downplay how I feel or how I'm "allowed" to feel!

"This will make you stronger." You're right.  This WILL make me stronger and already has!  I've already learned so many lessons about myself, my husband, and my marriage in our 6 weeks apart.  I know more lessons will come and I know they'll probably get harder along the way.  I know I'll learn lessons quicker or at different stages in life than a civilian wife might.  I know my marriage will look and feel different because of the challenges we'll face.  Again, let me relate this to a civilian marriage issue.  If you know someone whose spouse is diagnosed with cancer, would you say this to them? "This will make you stronger." I wouldn't! Maybe that's just me?  Again, this isn't a statement its okay to say to military spouses just because its military related.  Hard things come and go in life and this statement is one I'd just recommend avoiding!

"But, it could be so much worse!" Yes, you're right! It could be worse!  Travis could be gone longer.  Travis could miss the birth of our first child or any of the future children we hope to have.  Travis could be in a much more dangerous area than Puerto Rico.  I know full and well that I'm lucky for all those things.  I'm grateful Travis is in Puerto Rico for 2ish months rather than a 10 month deployment to the Middle East.  I'm grateful Travis will probably be home for the birth of our son in March, there's no guarantee that could happen.  I KNOW things could be worse.  I KNOW wives dealing with some of the very issues I'm thankful we don't have to yet.  But would I ever think to say this to someone?! NO!  I've even said multiple times that I do feel "lucky" in this mission because of these reasons.  But why is it okay to say to me? It's not, so please don't!

"You have it easy, he could be gone longer." Again, you're right! He could be gone longer.  That doesn't mean its easy.  I'm a human being who loves my husband something fierce!  Whether he's gone for a normal work day, a weekend of training, or months on a mission or deployment, I am ALLOWED to be sad, mad, frustrated, upset, angry, hopeful, and all the other emotions that come along the way.  I am allowed to have a rollercoaster of emotions because of what we're experiencing. Just because I'm a military spouse DOESN'T mean I can't feel those feelings.

These are real things people have said and I've heard them multiple times.  I already know I'll hear them again in the future.  It comes with the whole military life thing!  But please hear me when I say, no one wants to be told these things!  Not a single one of these statements HELPED me feel better.  Not a single one of these statements made me stronger.  Whether its me or another military family member you know, don't say these things to them unless you're trying to crush them.

Today was the day Travis was supposed to fly home.  Instead, he'll miss Thanksgiving.  I go through different emotions when I think about it.   I know its one holiday, its a simple day to eat turkey, but its another special day we'll be apart.  I consider myself lucky that this should be the last holiday Travis will miss this time, but I'm still allowed to have feelings.  I'm still allowed to be sad that he won't be here.  If your spouse or child couldn't make it to Thanksgiving, you're allowed to be sad.  We're allowed to feel the same!  The point of this isn't "woe is me," far from it!  I appreciate all the positive things people have said to lift me up like...

"You've got this!"
"Keep going"
"You made it one more week!"

"How are you doing?"
"I love you!"
"I'm so proud of you!"
"I don't know how you're doing it!"

Those have kept me going when I'm having a tough day!  So thank you if you've said one of the nice things! There have been plenty of positive so please hear me when I say thank you for the support!!

Today I lost it though.  Today made me push the Publish button finally. 

Someone simply said, "How are you doing?" face to face, point blank.  A statement I support and love!  Most of the time when people ask this, its through a text message which I've been able to hide behind.  Today I couldn't hide my feelings.  I truly lost it because I'm not okay like the thumbs up I was trying to give while my eyes welled up with tears!  I am sad, I am disappointed Travis' flight got pushed back two more times just this week, I do miss my husband and best friend.  I'm sad he's missing feeling our son's first kicks from the outside.  I miss simple things like sitting on the couch after dinner or Travis' sweet kiss to my belly before going to bed at night.  I'm frustrated with myself that I can't be stronger.  I feel weak that I don't want to stay in our new home alone while Travis is gone.  Some days I miss our "old" life and wish we could just go back to July 11 before everything changed.  I am tired and just want my husband home! 

I'm allowed to feel all of that.  My feelings shouldn't be downplayed or forgotten.  I'm a human being who happens to be happily married to a man who serves in the United States Army!  I couldn't be more proud of him!  Yes, I'm also a crazy pregnant lady so my emotions are probably more intense than normal and I'll admit that!  But please watch what you say to our military families.  Some of them are experiencing things you might not ever have to.  Some of you have already lived out your military days or you're experiencing it currently.  Be supportive, speak love, be nice, and help someone when they're down! 

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Rachel, it's totally ok to feel what you feel. It's ok to be feeling alone and sad and wishing the love of your life was by your side. As I've said to you before, You Are a Strong Woman, but that doesn't in anyway mean you can't feel down or sad or frustrated or angry or anxious. You are also a human being with feelings! Don't hold them in! Share them! You do have a support network, unfortunately just not where you presently are stationed. Hoping you can meet some military wives and make connections and develop friendship(s); tho they do take time, I'm certain you are great at making friends. Hoping he will be home soon. Sending love and positive energy and cyber-hugs! Love you tons! Diane Helgeson

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